Four?

I've been so sad lately and I couldn't figure out why. People talk about the war and suddenly I would become teary eyed instantly. I can't even listen/read the news. I was looking through pictures the other day and it hit me, the four year anniversary of Bryce's death is only 19 days away.

Where the fuck has time gone? I can still remember that phone call as if it happened yesterday yet it feels like it happened 10 years ago. I talk about Bryce often but as the years have passed (holy shit, years), I tend to keep memories/stories to myself. They have become more sacred.  There are days that I sit and think about what he is missing. I wonder what he would be like now. If he would be married and where the Army would have taken him.

Something will happen in my day to day life and I wish that I could pick up the phone and call Bryce. At this point, I sometimes feel like I am forgetting things about him. Then I have those moments that he would love and I can't help but smile at the memory of his laugh. It is so cliche to say once someone is gone, but he was so funny. Always the life of the party, he could always cheer you up. Everyone loved him, even animals. Even though I feel ridiculous, I occasionally break out into song and dance in the car. We did it in high school on the buses to games and once we were in college, we would sit in the parking lot and use anything we could as a microphone. I haven't done anything like that with anyone since. Too bad we never recorded it...

While we were on leave in Texas, we were finally able to get together with several of Kris's hometown friends who had gone into the military. One of them had joined the Army, became a medic and deployed around the same time as Bryce. It gave me goosebumps. In a weird way, I felt connected to him all over again.

I am so lucky to have a husband that is understanding. He has never once asked me to stop talking/crying/missing Bryce. Most men would be jealous. From the day we met, he has always comforted me while I cried, always listened to my stories and the stories others have told. I wish they could have met. I can picture them in the backyard, bbqing and making fun of me.

Every time I write on this blog, I have so many things I want to get down but can't seem to sort my thoughts and type fast enough.

God, I miss him.



Here are some of my favorite pictures.

  

Riverside National Cemetery, my little piece of heaven. The man buried right above him died on the last day I ever laid eyes on Bryce.

Bryce's body arriving back on American soil. Dover AFB.

Mosul, Iraq.

New Years Eve 2008-2009

Bryce was home on predeployment leave.

This was right before he left for basic training - we were 21.

He was so proud of himself for smashing my face in the cake but then felt bad and cleaned/licked it off - we were 21.

At the beach - we were 20.

Our college years - we were 18.

Winter Formal - we were 15.

I think of the last moment I laid eyes on you and I can't help but smile and cry.

It has been almost ten months since I last wrote here. I had every intention of keeping up with it but sometimes, remembering memories so vividly is just too painful to put into words.

Two weeks ago, Bryce was in my dreams. It is very rare that I dream about him but he was with me all night. Even after I woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep. It was weird because in my dreams, he had already passed away but he was still there with me. It's hard to explain without making myself seem crazy. But I felt complete again, even if it was just for the night.

Sometimes I find myself forgetting about him. But then something will happen, I will see something or someone will say something (and not necessarily directly about Bryce, just something that reminds me of him) and all the emotions come flooding back. I can't believe it has been almost three years. Sometimes it feels longer and sometimes it seems like just yesterday.

To this day, I remember the day I got the call like it just happened. It pains me to think of all the things he is missing out on. We used to talk about our weddings and how we would be there at each other's sides for it, to know that he wasn't there to see me get married. And what is even harder is knowing he never knew that love with someone. He was 22 when he died. At the time, I felt old and now looking back, we were just babies.

It feels like a dream. Even now. I think of his life, his death and life without him... it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. It makes me want to cry for days on end. The pain of losing my best friend has eased but it is always there.

Moments like these are rare, when I take a minute to sit and really think about him and not allow myself to get upset. Because it is so hard not to fall about just thinking about him. When he first died, I couldn't even say his nae without falling apart. Over time, it has gotten easier. Sometimes I can't stop talking about him. I have so many memories with him that I don't ever want to forget. I never want to lose the connection even though he is gone.

I miss his hugs, his laugh, his jokes, his passion, his worries, his heartaches, his everything. I miss HIM.

January 1, 2009.

I have one voice mail from Bryce. He left it on January 1, 2009. It was the last time I ever saw him. I don't know why I kept it but now I refuse to get a new number because I would lose it. I listen to it all the time. Hearing his laugh makes me laugh and remembering that night makes my heart smile.

I don't know why I bothered to try and sleep. I can never sleep when I feel like this. It started the very first night we lost him. It has been two years and even to this day, I struggle with sleep. I'm not really sure why which is rather irritating. At first, I was afraid of sleep because I was afraid of the dreams. I've had several nightmares about Bryce's death so I guess it's safe to say I'm traumatized. Though sometimes he visits me in a positive way.

In college, Bryce and I took all of our classes together. We used to take a portable dvd player into our science lecture and watch movies. Normally, we would ditch all our classes and go bowling or to dinner. And the only one we ever regularly went to was our CPR class. Our teacher was a weirdo and we could have gotten away with murder. Plus I think Bryce enjoyed it so much because he was able to get up close and personal with the ladies. Haha, oh gosh. Bryce and girls. He always told me about his girl adventures. Sometimes I would literally smack the back of his head because of the things he did!

When Brett and I were together, Bryce always told me he was jealous of the love we had. He said he wanted that with a girl someday. And when Brett and I broke up, Bryce always told me he knew Brett and I would end up back together. We almost did too. When Bryce died, Brett and I came really close to getting back together but we knew it was for the wrong reasons. When I lived in Tennessee with Brett, we wanted Bryce to come live with us. He had hit a rough patch and couldn't find his place in the world, we were worried about him. He would always call us, tell us how much he missed us and that he wanted to see us. Not too long after these conversations, he decided to join the Army.

I supported his decision because he finally decided on what he wanted to do. When I moved back home, Bryce and I spent a lot of time together. He helped me through that break up more than anyone else. Maybe because he loved both Brett and myself, he hated seeing me hurt because of Brett. Who knows. All I know is that was the period where we became the closest.

We had always liked each other in high school, though never really at the same time. I was with Brett on and off through most of high school which I guess really is the main reason Bryce and I never dated. Bryce and I had a weird relationship. We spent a lot of time together because of water polo and swim, we would constantly flirt and get jealous. Looking back, I'd say it would have been a better choice to have pursued a relationship with him and not Brett. Bryce and I were more compatible. But I will never regret my time with Brett. I know Bryce loved us together but even after we broke up, he never left my side. My grandparents would always ask us when we were going to start dating. Bryce would be over for dinner and my grandma would say "soooo, Bryce..." and we would just laugh because we knew what was coming.

Going back to the last time I saw him, we laughed ALL night. It was New Years Eve and everyone was pretty drunk. Tara has a lot of land so we ran all over the place. At some point, I had lost my phone. We searched everywhere for the damn thing. I had taken my spanx off and Bryce was wearing them on his head (I still wish I would have taken a picture of that!) and he leans forward, sticks his hand down my shirt and pulls my phone out. It had been in my bra the whole damn time. We died laughing. Like, on the ground (in the middle of the street) laughing uncontrollably. Things finally wound down and we fell asleep on a tiny little couch together. So tiny that I had to sleep on top of him. The image in my head makes me laugh every time I think about it. Early the next morning, January 1, we left. The last time I ever laid eyes on Bryce was at the 91 and 57 split. I was heading onto the 57 while he stayed on the 91. I looked over and he blew me a kiss. Now whenever I'm at that exact spot, I look up and blow him a kiss.

A few weeks after the last time I saw him, he deployed. I had spoken to him several, several times while he was back in Colorado, waiting to deploy. I remember getting a call from him while he was in a Toys R Us with Johny. Two grown soldiers, playing in a kids store. Classic! Even after he got to Iraq, we would email. I am so glad I still have most of our conversations. I can read the words "I love you", which is what he said to me at every end of a conversation. He died knowing I loved him and that sets my heart at ease.

I wish Bryce and Kris had met. They would have gotten along so well. I loved Brett and I will always care about him but that love doesn't come close to comparison for the love I have with Kris. I know Bryce is looking down smiling. I know he is happy that I am happy, that I finally found someone who really truly loves me. Every time we watch something and it has to do with the war, Kris will ask if it's ok to keep it on. If I say yes, he will ask me throughout the entire thing if I'm ok or if he should turn it off. He holds me when I cry because I miss Bryce. How many men would do that? How many men will comfort their girlfriend while they cry about another man? Maybe because he knows Bryce and I were more like siblings than anything else but he has been so fantastic and patient with me when it comes to Bryce.

Sometimes I feel like I annoy people with how much I talk about Bryce. I talk about him all the time. I can't help it. I think that's why I feel like this whole blog thing will help. I can get my thoughts out and not feel like I'm being a burden or a debbie-downer.

Well, I think I have rambled enough to be able to try and get some sleep. Goodnight world.

The last picture we ever took together. <3

A constant flow of thoughts.

I'm not sure what my deal is lately but I can't stop thinking about Bryce. I think part of it is because Kris is away training and he's the one that holds me while I cry. I've just been having a really tough time.

I had sent my first blog to far more people than I had intended. It was by accident but I'm glad I did. Though I was not too happy with myself to know I put myself out there and showed everyone how vulnerable I am, I have gotten nothing but positive feedback and it just makes me want to write more.

When I think about Bryce, it is a constant flow of memories. Good and bad. I start thinking about one then another pops up and then another. I can't keep my mind on any one moment, I'm all over the place. Like right now, I can't even figure out how to start what I want to say. So I guess I'll sleep on it and come back to the computer in the morning.

I love you, B.

Who rescues the doc when the doc needs rescuing?

I don't really have the patience right now to make this look the way I will at some point. Right now, I just need to write. I don't plan on passing this on to many people, only ones I know who will appreciate it and enjoy my memories with Bryce. I actually got this idea from Gina, who has a blog for her baby sister. I think sometimes I will write directly to Bryce, just things I would say to him if he were here and other times I just may ramble about him. I think this post will be mostly about how his death has changed me though I hope that most future posts are positive.

It has been two years since Bryce died. Bryce, he's dead. Killed by a suicide bomber in Mosul, Iraq while on a mission to an Iraqi police station. April 10, 2009. Even now, it doesn't seem real. It has been 25 months today. 25 months ago, my world changed. I had been hanging out with Krystle all day, she had just cut my hair and we were about to leave my grandparents house when Jen (who I hadn't spoken to for about a year) called. I let it go to voicemail. I wasn't going to listen to it until I got home but just randomly thought I would listen to it while still at their house. I checked it and she sounded upset but nothing too alarming. I called her back, not knowing what to expect. She said there was something she felt I needed to know and she wanted to be the one to tell me. She said "Bryce was killed". I literally thought she was kidding, I didn't react. I just simply said "huh?" Then she broke down crying and said it again. That's when it hit me. I stood frozen and just screamed. I remember saying no over and over. I screamed and fell to the floor. Both my grandma and Krystle were in the room with me and all they kept asking was what is wrong. I remember my grandpa running into the room. They pulled me up off the floor and took me to the couch (all the while Jen and I were both sobbing hysterically). I remember sitting on the couch, rocking backing forth. All I could do was just ask Jen over and over what happen. I couldn't really understand her because of the crying so I finally yelled at her to tell me what the fuck happened. She did. Sometimes I wish I could erase it from my memory. Krystle left, I crawled into my grandparents bed and the only person I could think to call was Brett. The man  who was the only other person who had known Bryce like I did. I guess part of me still didn't believe Jen so when Brett said "you know", I did in fact, know. I called Rhys and Leslie. They came and got me, took me to the beach and they both just held me. Leslie called my job to tell them what happen and that I would not be returning to work for a few days.

We sat at the beach and talked about Bryce. I cried a lot and they just held me. I didn't sleep that night.

The next day, we were all getting together at Liane's house (Rhys's sister) for a wine tasting party, I really didn't want to go but everyone was insisting I get out of the house. Everyone there had known Bryce at one point or another. I held it together for several hours. I don't remember at what point exactly but I fell apart. I cried and cried and cried. Liane, Shannel and Tara made a circle around me, they literally held me up so I wouldn't fall to the ground. They just wrapped their arms around me and let me cry. Eventually they sat me down and Billy came into the room. He was the older brother of a kid I grew up with, a Marine. He laid my head in his lap, rubbed my back and told me about all the friends he lost while fighting in the very same war Bryce died in.

The next several days were a blur. I don't remember the majority of anything until Bryce's service. Brett was escorting Bryce from Dover AFB back to California. Luckily the Army gave him permission to take the emergency leave. Though he did not make it back for Bryce's memorial service. He was still at Dover. It had been years since I saw many of the people that were there that day. And I could hardly stand to look at them. I was angry at them. They were the ones who made fun of Bryce in high school, they were the ones who made him feel like an outsider. And now all of a sudden they wanted to act heartbroken? Fuck that. They had no clue what it was like. I sat there and watched Courtney fall apart. The last time she had seen Bryce was at their Dad's funeral a year prior. They were twins but because of several circumstances, they hardly knew each other. I knew Bryce died knowing I loved him, I told him every time I spoke to him. But here was his twin, not having had the chance to tell him how much he meant to hurt. I was lucky that day, I had so many people around me who cared. Though I left that place as soon as I got the chance. I was getting angry at those people all over again.

A few days later, Brett and I went back to the same beach that we visited with Bryce a year before. We sat on the same lifeguard tower and laughed at all of our memories with our best friend.

I never thought it would be Bryce. Of course, no one thinks their loved one will be "the one". It kills me to know he will never experience near what he should have. Never feel true love, never have a child, never accomplish what he wanted. In fact, it pisses me the fuck off. Why him? Why take a good man instead of all the lazy pieces of shit left in this world? Bryce was a medic, the doc. It was his goal in life to help others feel better.

I still hear his laugh. I still feel his hugs. I still want to pick up the phone and call him. I still wish he could have met Kris. There are so many things I would say to him if I just had the chance. I carry him with me wherever I go but it just isn't the same. I don't ever want to forget him. I don't ever want to forget the bond that we shared. We always found it funny that people assumed we were a couple, simply because we were so close. We just meshed well. We never even kissed! I miss him so much. Some days the pain is a lot stronger than others while other days, all I can think about are positive thoughts.

In losing a brother, I gained a sister. Courtney has been my rock and vice versa.

My life will never, ever be the same. How can it? I just try to put on a brave face and live the life Bryce would be proud of. I look at my tattoo everyday and remember why I have it, to carry him wherever I go. To live for us both.

Today, I met a Marine who was wounded in Afghanistan. He was blown up. His face is completely unrecognizable and he walks around with a mask to try and hide it but you can still see the pain. He seemed so self conscious. It took everything in me not to cry, to not grab onto him and just hold him. Looking at him, I realized that if Bryce was still alive, he would look like this Sergeant. I will never forget him and though I am sad he has to deal with those memories the rest of his life, I like to tell myself that Bryce wanted this man to survive and show everyone that this war won't take all of our good men.

I'll see you in heaven, soldier.