I'll see you in heaven, soldier.: Four?

I've been so sad lately and I couldn't figure out why. People talk about the war and suddenly I would become teary eyed instantly. I can't even listen/read the news. I was looking through pictures the other day and it hit me, the four year anniversary of Bryce's death is only 19 days away.

Where the fuck has time gone? I can still remember that phone call as if it happened yesterday yet it feels like it happened 10 years ago. I talk about Bryce often but as the years have passed (holy shit, years), I tend to keep memories/stories to myself. They have become more sacred. There are days that I sit and think about what he is missing. I wonder what he would be like now. If he would be married and where the Army would have taken him.

Something will happen in my day to day life and I wish that I could pick up the phone and call Bryce. At this point, I sometimes feel like I am forgetting things about him. Then I have those moments that he would love and I can't help but smile at the memory of his laugh. It is so cliche to say once someone is gone, but he was so funny. Always the life of the party, he could always cheer you up. Everyone loved him, even animals. Even though I feel ridiculous, I occasionally break out into song and dance in the car. We did it in high school on the buses to games and once we were in college, we would sit in the parking lot and use anything we could as a microphone. I haven't done anything like that with anyone since. Too bad we never recorded it...

While we were on leave in Texas, we were finally able to get together with several of Kris's hometown friends who had gone into the military. One of them had joined the Army, became a medic and deployed around the same time as Bryce. It gave me goosebumps. In a weird way, I felt connected to him all over again.

I am so lucky to have a husband that is understanding. He has never once asked me to stop talking/crying/missing Bryce. Most men would be jealous. From the day we met, he has always comforted me while I cried, always listened to my stories and the stories others have told. I wish they could have met. I can picture them in the backyard, bbqing and making fun of me.

Every time I write on this blog, I have so many things I want to get down but can't seem to sort my thoughts and type fast enough.

God, I miss him.

Here are some of my favorite pictures.