It has been almost ten months since I last wrote here. I had every intention of keeping up with it but sometimes, remembering memories so vividly is just too painful to put into words.
Two weeks ago, Bryce was in my dreams. It is very rare that I dream about him but he was with me all night. Even after I woke up in the middle of the night and went back to sleep. It was weird because in my dreams, he had already passed away but he was still there with me. It's hard to explain without making myself seem crazy. But I felt complete again, even if it was just for the night.
Sometimes I find myself forgetting about him. But then something will happen, I will see something or someone will say something (and not necessarily directly about Bryce, just something that reminds me of him) and all the emotions come flooding back. I can't believe it has been almost three years. Sometimes it feels longer and sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
To this day, I remember the day I got the call like it just happened. It pains me to think of all the things he is missing out on. We used to talk about our weddings and how we would be there at each other's sides for it, to know that he wasn't there to see me get married. And what is even harder is knowing he never knew that love with someone. He was 22 when he died. At the time, I felt old and now looking back, we were just babies.
It feels like a dream. Even now. I think of his life, his death and life without him... it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. It makes me want to cry for days on end. The pain of losing my best friend has eased but it is always there.
Moments like these are rare, when I take a minute to sit and really think about him and not allow myself to get upset. Because it is so hard not to fall about just thinking about him. When he first died, I couldn't even say his nae without falling apart. Over time, it has gotten easier. Sometimes I can't stop talking about him. I have so many memories with him that I don't ever want to forget. I never want to lose the connection even though he is gone.
I miss his hugs, his laugh, his jokes, his passion, his worries, his heartaches, his everything. I miss HIM.
