January 1, 2009.

I have one voice mail from Bryce. He left it on January 1, 2009. It was the last time I ever saw him. I don't know why I kept it but now I refuse to get a new number because I would lose it. I listen to it all the time. Hearing his laugh makes me laugh and remembering that night makes my heart smile.

I don't know why I bothered to try and sleep. I can never sleep when I feel like this. It started the very first night we lost him. It has been two years and even to this day, I struggle with sleep. I'm not really sure why which is rather irritating. At first, I was afraid of sleep because I was afraid of the dreams. I've had several nightmares about Bryce's death so I guess it's safe to say I'm traumatized. Though sometimes he visits me in a positive way.

In college, Bryce and I took all of our classes together. We used to take a portable dvd player into our science lecture and watch movies. Normally, we would ditch all our classes and go bowling or to dinner. And the only one we ever regularly went to was our CPR class. Our teacher was a weirdo and we could have gotten away with murder. Plus I think Bryce enjoyed it so much because he was able to get up close and personal with the ladies. Haha, oh gosh. Bryce and girls. He always told me about his girl adventures. Sometimes I would literally smack the back of his head because of the things he did!

When Brett and I were together, Bryce always told me he was jealous of the love we had. He said he wanted that with a girl someday. And when Brett and I broke up, Bryce always told me he knew Brett and I would end up back together. We almost did too. When Bryce died, Brett and I came really close to getting back together but we knew it was for the wrong reasons. When I lived in Tennessee with Brett, we wanted Bryce to come live with us. He had hit a rough patch and couldn't find his place in the world, we were worried about him. He would always call us, tell us how much he missed us and that he wanted to see us. Not too long after these conversations, he decided to join the Army.

I supported his decision because he finally decided on what he wanted to do. When I moved back home, Bryce and I spent a lot of time together. He helped me through that break up more than anyone else. Maybe because he loved both Brett and myself, he hated seeing me hurt because of Brett. Who knows. All I know is that was the period where we became the closest.

We had always liked each other in high school, though never really at the same time. I was with Brett on and off through most of high school which I guess really is the main reason Bryce and I never dated. Bryce and I had a weird relationship. We spent a lot of time together because of water polo and swim, we would constantly flirt and get jealous. Looking back, I'd say it would have been a better choice to have pursued a relationship with him and not Brett. Bryce and I were more compatible. But I will never regret my time with Brett. I know Bryce loved us together but even after we broke up, he never left my side. My grandparents would always ask us when we were going to start dating. Bryce would be over for dinner and my grandma would say "soooo, Bryce..." and we would just laugh because we knew what was coming.

Going back to the last time I saw him, we laughed ALL night. It was New Years Eve and everyone was pretty drunk. Tara has a lot of land so we ran all over the place. At some point, I had lost my phone. We searched everywhere for the damn thing. I had taken my spanx off and Bryce was wearing them on his head (I still wish I would have taken a picture of that!) and he leans forward, sticks his hand down my shirt and pulls my phone out. It had been in my bra the whole damn time. We died laughing. Like, on the ground (in the middle of the street) laughing uncontrollably. Things finally wound down and we fell asleep on a tiny little couch together. So tiny that I had to sleep on top of him. The image in my head makes me laugh every time I think about it. Early the next morning, January 1, we left. The last time I ever laid eyes on Bryce was at the 91 and 57 split. I was heading onto the 57 while he stayed on the 91. I looked over and he blew me a kiss. Now whenever I'm at that exact spot, I look up and blow him a kiss.

A few weeks after the last time I saw him, he deployed. I had spoken to him several, several times while he was back in Colorado, waiting to deploy. I remember getting a call from him while he was in a Toys R Us with Johny. Two grown soldiers, playing in a kids store. Classic! Even after he got to Iraq, we would email. I am so glad I still have most of our conversations. I can read the words "I love you", which is what he said to me at every end of a conversation. He died knowing I loved him and that sets my heart at ease.

I wish Bryce and Kris had met. They would have gotten along so well. I loved Brett and I will always care about him but that love doesn't come close to comparison for the love I have with Kris. I know Bryce is looking down smiling. I know he is happy that I am happy, that I finally found someone who really truly loves me. Every time we watch something and it has to do with the war, Kris will ask if it's ok to keep it on. If I say yes, he will ask me throughout the entire thing if I'm ok or if he should turn it off. He holds me when I cry because I miss Bryce. How many men would do that? How many men will comfort their girlfriend while they cry about another man? Maybe because he knows Bryce and I were more like siblings than anything else but he has been so fantastic and patient with me when it comes to Bryce.

Sometimes I feel like I annoy people with how much I talk about Bryce. I talk about him all the time. I can't help it. I think that's why I feel like this whole blog thing will help. I can get my thoughts out and not feel like I'm being a burden or a debbie-downer.

Well, I think I have rambled enough to be able to try and get some sleep. Goodnight world.

The last picture we ever took together. <3

A constant flow of thoughts.

I'm not sure what my deal is lately but I can't stop thinking about Bryce. I think part of it is because Kris is away training and he's the one that holds me while I cry. I've just been having a really tough time.

I had sent my first blog to far more people than I had intended. It was by accident but I'm glad I did. Though I was not too happy with myself to know I put myself out there and showed everyone how vulnerable I am, I have gotten nothing but positive feedback and it just makes me want to write more.

When I think about Bryce, it is a constant flow of memories. Good and bad. I start thinking about one then another pops up and then another. I can't keep my mind on any one moment, I'm all over the place. Like right now, I can't even figure out how to start what I want to say. So I guess I'll sleep on it and come back to the computer in the morning.

I love you, B.

Who rescues the doc when the doc needs rescuing?

I don't really have the patience right now to make this look the way I will at some point. Right now, I just need to write. I don't plan on passing this on to many people, only ones I know who will appreciate it and enjoy my memories with Bryce. I actually got this idea from Gina, who has a blog for her baby sister. I think sometimes I will write directly to Bryce, just things I would say to him if he were here and other times I just may ramble about him. I think this post will be mostly about how his death has changed me though I hope that most future posts are positive.

It has been two years since Bryce died. Bryce, he's dead. Killed by a suicide bomber in Mosul, Iraq while on a mission to an Iraqi police station. April 10, 2009. Even now, it doesn't seem real. It has been 25 months today. 25 months ago, my world changed. I had been hanging out with Krystle all day, she had just cut my hair and we were about to leave my grandparents house when Jen (who I hadn't spoken to for about a year) called. I let it go to voicemail. I wasn't going to listen to it until I got home but just randomly thought I would listen to it while still at their house. I checked it and she sounded upset but nothing too alarming. I called her back, not knowing what to expect. She said there was something she felt I needed to know and she wanted to be the one to tell me. She said "Bryce was killed". I literally thought she was kidding, I didn't react. I just simply said "huh?" Then she broke down crying and said it again. That's when it hit me. I stood frozen and just screamed. I remember saying no over and over. I screamed and fell to the floor. Both my grandma and Krystle were in the room with me and all they kept asking was what is wrong. I remember my grandpa running into the room. They pulled me up off the floor and took me to the couch (all the while Jen and I were both sobbing hysterically). I remember sitting on the couch, rocking backing forth. All I could do was just ask Jen over and over what happen. I couldn't really understand her because of the crying so I finally yelled at her to tell me what the fuck happened. She did. Sometimes I wish I could erase it from my memory. Krystle left, I crawled into my grandparents bed and the only person I could think to call was Brett. The man  who was the only other person who had known Bryce like I did. I guess part of me still didn't believe Jen so when Brett said "you know", I did in fact, know. I called Rhys and Leslie. They came and got me, took me to the beach and they both just held me. Leslie called my job to tell them what happen and that I would not be returning to work for a few days.

We sat at the beach and talked about Bryce. I cried a lot and they just held me. I didn't sleep that night.

The next day, we were all getting together at Liane's house (Rhys's sister) for a wine tasting party, I really didn't want to go but everyone was insisting I get out of the house. Everyone there had known Bryce at one point or another. I held it together for several hours. I don't remember at what point exactly but I fell apart. I cried and cried and cried. Liane, Shannel and Tara made a circle around me, they literally held me up so I wouldn't fall to the ground. They just wrapped their arms around me and let me cry. Eventually they sat me down and Billy came into the room. He was the older brother of a kid I grew up with, a Marine. He laid my head in his lap, rubbed my back and told me about all the friends he lost while fighting in the very same war Bryce died in.

The next several days were a blur. I don't remember the majority of anything until Bryce's service. Brett was escorting Bryce from Dover AFB back to California. Luckily the Army gave him permission to take the emergency leave. Though he did not make it back for Bryce's memorial service. He was still at Dover. It had been years since I saw many of the people that were there that day. And I could hardly stand to look at them. I was angry at them. They were the ones who made fun of Bryce in high school, they were the ones who made him feel like an outsider. And now all of a sudden they wanted to act heartbroken? Fuck that. They had no clue what it was like. I sat there and watched Courtney fall apart. The last time she had seen Bryce was at their Dad's funeral a year prior. They were twins but because of several circumstances, they hardly knew each other. I knew Bryce died knowing I loved him, I told him every time I spoke to him. But here was his twin, not having had the chance to tell him how much he meant to hurt. I was lucky that day, I had so many people around me who cared. Though I left that place as soon as I got the chance. I was getting angry at those people all over again.

A few days later, Brett and I went back to the same beach that we visited with Bryce a year before. We sat on the same lifeguard tower and laughed at all of our memories with our best friend.

I never thought it would be Bryce. Of course, no one thinks their loved one will be "the one". It kills me to know he will never experience near what he should have. Never feel true love, never have a child, never accomplish what he wanted. In fact, it pisses me the fuck off. Why him? Why take a good man instead of all the lazy pieces of shit left in this world? Bryce was a medic, the doc. It was his goal in life to help others feel better.

I still hear his laugh. I still feel his hugs. I still want to pick up the phone and call him. I still wish he could have met Kris. There are so many things I would say to him if I just had the chance. I carry him with me wherever I go but it just isn't the same. I don't ever want to forget him. I don't ever want to forget the bond that we shared. We always found it funny that people assumed we were a couple, simply because we were so close. We just meshed well. We never even kissed! I miss him so much. Some days the pain is a lot stronger than others while other days, all I can think about are positive thoughts.

In losing a brother, I gained a sister. Courtney has been my rock and vice versa.

My life will never, ever be the same. How can it? I just try to put on a brave face and live the life Bryce would be proud of. I look at my tattoo everyday and remember why I have it, to carry him wherever I go. To live for us both.

Today, I met a Marine who was wounded in Afghanistan. He was blown up. His face is completely unrecognizable and he walks around with a mask to try and hide it but you can still see the pain. He seemed so self conscious. It took everything in me not to cry, to not grab onto him and just hold him. Looking at him, I realized that if Bryce was still alive, he would look like this Sergeant. I will never forget him and though I am sad he has to deal with those memories the rest of his life, I like to tell myself that Bryce wanted this man to survive and show everyone that this war won't take all of our good men.

I'll see you in heaven, soldier.