I don't know why I bothered to try and sleep. I can never sleep when I feel like this. It started the very first night we lost him. It has been two years and even to this day, I struggle with sleep. I'm not really sure why which is rather irritating. At first, I was afraid of sleep because I was afraid of the dreams. I've had several nightmares about Bryce's death so I guess it's safe to say I'm traumatized. Though sometimes he visits me in a positive way.
In college, Bryce and I took all of our classes together. We used to take a portable dvd player into our science lecture and watch movies. Normally, we would ditch all our classes and go bowling or to dinner. And the only one we ever regularly went to was our CPR class. Our teacher was a weirdo and we could have gotten away with murder. Plus I think Bryce enjoyed it so much because he was able to get up close and personal with the ladies. Haha, oh gosh. Bryce and girls. He always told me about his girl adventures. Sometimes I would literally smack the back of his head because of the things he did!
When Brett and I were together, Bryce always told me he was jealous of the love we had. He said he wanted that with a girl someday. And when Brett and I broke up, Bryce always told me he knew Brett and I would end up back together. We almost did too. When Bryce died, Brett and I came really close to getting back together but we knew it was for the wrong reasons. When I lived in Tennessee with Brett, we wanted Bryce to come live with us. He had hit a rough patch and couldn't find his place in the world, we were worried about him. He would always call us, tell us how much he missed us and that he wanted to see us. Not too long after these conversations, he decided to join the Army.
I supported his decision because he finally decided on what he wanted to do. When I moved back home, Bryce and I spent a lot of time together. He helped me through that break up more than anyone else. Maybe because he loved both Brett and myself, he hated seeing me hurt because of Brett. Who knows. All I know is that was the period where we became the closest.
We had always liked each other in high school, though never really at the same time. I was with Brett on and off through most of high school which I guess really is the main reason Bryce and I never dated. Bryce and I had a weird relationship. We spent a lot of time together because of water polo and swim, we would constantly flirt and get jealous. Looking back, I'd say it would have been a better choice to have pursued a relationship with him and not Brett. Bryce and I were more compatible. But I will never regret my time with Brett. I know Bryce loved us together but even after we broke up, he never left my side. My grandparents would always ask us when we were going to start dating. Bryce would be over for dinner and my grandma would say "soooo, Bryce..." and we would just laugh because we knew what was coming.
Going back to the last time I saw him, we laughed ALL night. It was New Years Eve and everyone was pretty drunk. Tara has a lot of land so we ran all over the place. At some point, I had lost my phone. We searched everywhere for the damn thing. I had taken my spanx off and Bryce was wearing them on his head (I still wish I would have taken a picture of that!) and he leans forward, sticks his hand down my shirt and pulls my phone out. It had been in my bra the whole damn time. We died laughing. Like, on the ground (in the middle of the street) laughing uncontrollably. Things finally wound down and we fell asleep on a tiny little couch together. So tiny that I had to sleep on top of him. The image in my head makes me laugh every time I think about it. Early the next morning, January 1, we left. The last time I ever laid eyes on Bryce was at the 91 and 57 split. I was heading onto the 57 while he stayed on the 91. I looked over and he blew me a kiss. Now whenever I'm at that exact spot, I look up and blow him a kiss.
A few weeks after the last time I saw him, he deployed. I had spoken to him several, several times while he was back in Colorado, waiting to deploy. I remember getting a call from him while he was in a Toys R Us with Johny. Two grown soldiers, playing in a kids store. Classic! Even after he got to Iraq, we would email. I am so glad I still have most of our conversations. I can read the words "I love you", which is what he said to me at every end of a conversation. He died knowing I loved him and that sets my heart at ease.
I wish Bryce and Kris had met. They would have gotten along so well. I loved Brett and I will always care about him but that love doesn't come close to comparison for the love I have with Kris. I know Bryce is looking down smiling. I know he is happy that I am happy, that I finally found someone who really truly loves me. Every time we watch something and it has to do with the war, Kris will ask if it's ok to keep it on. If I say yes, he will ask me throughout the entire thing if I'm ok or if he should turn it off. He holds me when I cry because I miss Bryce. How many men would do that? How many men will comfort their girlfriend while they cry about another man? Maybe because he knows Bryce and I were more like siblings than anything else but he has been so fantastic and patient with me when it comes to Bryce.
Sometimes I feel like I annoy people with how much I talk about Bryce. I talk about him all the time. I can't help it. I think that's why I feel like this whole blog thing will help. I can get my thoughts out and not feel like I'm being a burden or a debbie-downer.
Well, I think I have rambled enough to be able to try and get some sleep. Goodnight world.
No comments:
Post a Comment